


Let me love you in the only way I can

by Tare_chan



Category: SPY x FAMILY (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Bad end AU (?), F/M, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28648080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tare_chan/pseuds/Tare_chan
Summary: The sky was beautifully colored red orange in the summer sky. Twilight. Just like the picture in his hand. He looked down and absentmindedly took the single stem of Briar rose lying in the railing. The colors were a beautiful mixed of soft red and orange.He smiled sadly. How ironic. If only he and the only Briar that matters to him could become one like the color of the rose.....
Relationships: Loid Forger | Twilight/Yor Briar Forger | Thorn Princess
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	Let me love you in the only way I can

**Author's Note:**

> So one night, I came home from work. It was cold, dark, and raining. And the radio played a song that I like, but at that time it really made me think of Bad Ending TwiliYor, and the story just write by itself.  
> I'll blame the hormones.....  
> Btw, as usual, pardon any grammar and spelling mistakes.   
> The current manga was chp. 38

_ Even if you pushed me away, it won't change the love that you have given me. _

_ Even if you changed, I will endure it for the rest of my life. _

_ Let me love you in the only way I can. _

("Dengan Caraku", by Arsie Widianto and Brisia Jodie)

* * *

Twilight adjusted his perching on the rooftop of an abandoned building, cautious in keeping his position to be covered by the shadow.

Satisfied by his position, he then used the binoculars, and once again kept an eye on his target.

A beautiful woman, in her mid 30's, with black hair, and red irises. 

His wife.

_ Was…  _ his wife.

His blue eyes softened as he saw the woman taking good care of the plants in the pots at her apartment's balcony. He didn't recognize the plants though. And to be quite honest, he didn't even know that Yor was fond of plants. 

His mind ventured back to the time when they still stayed under the same roof. The smiles that always welcomed him home. The warmth of praise she always gave Anya, in which her daughter will always return with bright smiles. Their laughter sounded like music in his ears. 

Their presence always managed to ease his broken bones and tired muscle, and to give him the boost of energy he needed to keep going at his job.

When did everything start to go wrong? 

Twilight frowned. The memory of details from five years ago was already a bit hazy. Buried deep down under his jobs and missions, meant to erase those pain. 

_ Well it worked _ .

The blond man then set down his binoculars, and looked far ahead lost in his memories. 

He vaguely remembered a phone call.

Yeah, there was a phone call in that particular morning that Yor has answered. 

.

They were getting ready for their day as usual, when suddenly their phone rang. 

"I'll get it…." Yor being the closest to the phone immediately answered.

Loid was fixing his coat and ties, while Anya was fixing her bags and chattering about her plan at school for the day.

The man heard the phone click shut and asked, "Who's that?"

His wife turned to face him with blank expression. 

_ Was that a bad news? _

"Yor, what's wrong?"

And then, her expression changed, "Nothing…. Uum…. Do you have to do overtime work today?"

Loid thought about his schedule for the day, and shook his head, "No, I don't think so. Why? Is something happening?"

She looked like contemplating something, but then said, "I might ….. have to do overtime jobs."

"No, problem."

His wife smiled and said her gratitude, while suddenly approaching him, and fixed his tie. Loid raised his eyebrow at such an unusual gesture, but didn't decline it. 

"Say, Loid…. Were you always wearing this pin?"

"Uuh… yeah?"

"I see…."

Anya suddenly became very quiet. 

The changes of atmosphere should be the clue.

_ How can he be so clueless? _

They then continued their morning routine by dropping Anya at the bus stop, but the girl clung to her mother's skirt so hard, and refused to enter the bus. 

"Ma, will you come home??"

Loid frowned at the peculiar question, and answered for her, "Of course she will! Now come on or you'll be late!"

The mother only smiled, and gave the girl a hug, "I love you….", which the girl returned fiercely. 

_ Children can be very perceptive _ .  _ How can you not see the hints? _

That night, Yor Forger didn't return home. 

And also the days after. 

.

He tried asking her workplace, and the answer he received about her was vague at best. When he opened her room, it was already clean and returned to the stage it was before she moved in. It was as if she never stayed there before. 

He couldn't risk reporting his missing wife to the police, thus he returned to his source. 

But then, Anya was taken. 

The situation made him have to choose between his wife or daughter. 

Considering Yor was strong and most likely be able to defend herself, he opted to pursue her daughters' kidnappers. 

He never thought that all the core of Operation Strix would be Anya. His daughter. 

The culprit being an underground scientist, who wanted to change Anya, as the subject, to become a weapon of mass destruction. With her ability to read minds. 

That was the master plan of Donovan Desmond in reigniting the war. Because that man couldn't trust other human beings. 

Such a sick purpose still left a bad taste in his mouth up until now.

Days after that was spent in uncovering the lab whereabouts, planning a break in, and specifically for Twilight, to rescue his daughter. 

Now that he thought back, the search has been very difficult at first. Then suddenly he got information, coded hints about the location of the secret lab, and everything then went smoothly after that. 

Even during the infiltration, everything went so smooth. He remembered that the WISE spies could easily break in. The guards were a bit too small already at several spots.

They manage to obliterate the facilities, and rescue Anya that night. And during the process, the blond man had a hunch that they had a helping hand from the shadow. 

Literally.

Twilight didn't have any proof, but he might have known who the angel of death was, that helped him save Anya, and completed Operation Strix that night. 

The very same person who tipped the agency about a certain notorious contract killer, under code name Thorn Princess, who after the life of Agent Twilight. 

The very reason that made his agency pull him from Ostanian ground, and pushed him back to do missions in Westalia instead, because apparently, completing Operation Strix didn't mean the cold war has stopped. It was postponing the impending war at best. 

Thus his life needed to be protected until a later time, when the agency had had a new plan or new lead that would put his skill to use. He retaliated to no avail back then. 

Him being pulled back has demolished all plans he had in searching for his wife. 

For 5 whole years at least.

.

It was such a painfully long wait. But he was back at Ostanian ground at last.

The moment his foot stepped into Berlint ground, he immediately scheduled an extra mission for himself. 

Searching for his wife.

He did it diligently every day. Before, during, or after his missions. 

Spy organization was known for its stealth, but apparently it was nothing compared to a secret underground assassins organization. Nobody has known anything about the organization. They have heard rumours at best. It's as if the assassins were just urban legend. 

But of course Twilight knew better. He had actually met one of them, who was so good to remain in the shadow, if she wanted too. She made him look like he was chasing a ghost from the past.

Until one day, he found her. Walking home from the tiny mini market where she worked part time. She was still making a move to hide from the world, but following a target was one of Twilight's talents. He followed her every movement for almost two months, and only in the last two weeks did he finally found her shelter. 

It looked like she had moved to the border of Berlint, and stayed in a lousy apartment. 

With a man. 

.

The Westalis spy took a deep breath, and returned his focus to the window in the next building across the road. 

Now he saw his wife talking to the man. They chatted for a while, and then she was moving out. 

Twilight moved fast. Because he knew where she would be heading to. 

The park that she loved so much. The one at the hill where she took him and Anya, on the very first day they went outing as a family.

Disguised as a park cleaning service at work, he waited for her, until she came to stand and lean into the very same spot at the railing, viewing the scenery of the town below. 

Today, she also brought that single stem of Briar Rose. One that she plucked from the bushes at the entrance of the park, because it was their season to bloom. 

He had followed her for the past two weeks, gathering his courage to approach and talk to her. But, everytime he was only able to watch from the distance until she returned home. Everyday, she always put that single stem of rose on the railing where she stood, which he always took it with him after she had left. 

_ Pathetic _ . 

A sudden gust of strong wind took away the rose from her hand and it rolled down to his feet. 

Did he even need the push from the universe to be manly enough to talk to her? 

_ Gosh he really was pathetic _ . 

But he would not let such an opportunity go to waste.

Taking the rose from the ground, he approached her.

“Excuse me, ma’am…. I think -....”

“Really? After stalking me for the past months, and even spying closely on my activities for the last two weeks, the very first sentence you said was ‘Excuse me’??”

Twilight widened his eyes. 

_ She knew……  _

_ She had always known…. Disguises were useless for her. _

How can he forget how sharp her instinct was.

The man gulped before mirroring her position, leaning to the railing, “Sorry….”

They stood side by side in silence for a while. There were so many things Twilight wanted to ask her, such as her life, her works, her wellbeing. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, about Anya, about his life, about the exploding emotion in his chest. 

But somehow, all he could do was stand there in silence, pretending to view the scenery below them. 

“I’m sorry too……” Her whisper was so soft that he thought he misheard it. But that was the push he needed to finally start a conversation. 

"How was life?"

"As usual."

"Is he good?"

She chuckled, "Why do you care?"

He gulped, "I….. I don't have the right to pry."

"Right."

Another silence fell between them. Several minutes passed by before, "He's just one of my co-worker. We're…. professionals."

The man blinked. She didn't need to explain, but he still felt relieved at the clarification. 

He glanced at her figure, “Anya missed you….” 

“Hmm….”

"She is entering her teenage period."

"I hope she stayed as the cheerful bright perceptive girl that she is."

“She is. And… sometimes she asked about her mother….”

The woman scoffed, “Her mother? How can a despicable creature whose hands drenched in countless human blood could be worthy of being called as such a sweet angel’s mother?”

Surprised, the man turned to face her and retorted, “Yor, you’re not-.....”

“Was that time we spent together even real?”

“Of course, that was-.....”  _ real. _ He stopped at the last phrase. 

The question really caught him off guard. 

_ Was that even real? _

Their happy lives. The warmth of a normal family. Yet each of them hid something from each other. They lied to each other. 

His silence was enough for answering her question.

“I thought so too…… people like us….. longing for something so….. normal,” She shook her head, “It will never end well.”

“How about your feelings?”

Upon hearing the question, the woman turned to face him at last. Finally he could get a good look at those ruby eyes of hers that have always lurked in his memories and haunted his dreams. 

“I don’t know….. You’re the one whose expertise is reading other people. What do you think?”

He looked at the woman before him closely. The same dark and silky hair. The same lean figure. Still beautiful as always. 

And yet she was not Yor Briar Forger, his wife. 

Those sharp eyes lack compassion. Those hard and broken expressions didn’t show any warmth of Anya's mother he had known.

_ No _ .

The woman that stood in front of him was the Thorn Princess. The infamous assassins.

And part of him really hated himself for being one of the causes that turned her into that. 

The blond man took a deep breath, and turned to look at the scenery below him, before answering slowly, "That's the problem. I could read most of the people. But not you…. From the very first time we met, I could never read you. And that makes me….. always want to be near you to try…... to understand…. "

"Hmm….."

_ What kind of confession is that, Twilight??!! You really are pathetic!! _

When he glanced back at her, she already returned to face the horizon. 

She was here. In person. Within his grasp.

_ It's now or never _ . 

He took a deep breath and finally asked, "Yor, come with me. We can go to-....."

"You know that's impossible."

"But by staying here, your life could be in danger….."

"By being able to stand here, I already proved to you that I can take care of myself. You, on the other hand…..," She took a shaky breath and turned to face him, "5 years didn't mean that the order has been revoked. Yet …. you dare to show your face in front of me."

"Anya missed you….."

"You've said that. How about you?"

"I-........"

His blue eyes looked into the piercing glare of crimson, and he stopped. 

Why couldn't he say it? He knew that there was a Yor shaped gaping hole that keeps bleeding in his heart. But why was it so hard to tell her. 

_ Was it because she has built those unbreakable barriers around her? _

He only managed to shut his mouth. And then she turned away.

"Farewell….."

"Yor, wait!" His hand shot out and grasped her wrist, forcing her to turn back. The look she gave him shattered his heart right away. 

Broken face, glistened eyes, she whispered, "Please…. for the better of both of us…. just let me go….."

And he obliged. 

.

Twilight had spent that night at a bar, trying to get drunk. Obviously the plan didn't work, because of his inhuman alcohol tolerance. 

He cursed his body, he cursed the stupid war, he cursed the world. 

Thankfully, his next days were packed with back to back missions. At least by working, he could redirect his mind, and organize his feelings. 

Disobeying the woman's request, he tried to return to his previous position. A stalker. It didn't sound right, but what choice did he have? 

Unfortunately for him, it seemed that Yor had deduced that he might try that option, and she had returned to the shadow. 

Trying as hard as he might, he just couldn't find a single trace of hers. 

He was a frustrated mess when he came to one of the save houses to hand in the report of his latest missions. 

"Here you go, Handler….."

"A foul mood, Twilight?" 

"It's nothing." He cut her short. He really didn't want to sound like a broken hearted teenager.

The Handler just raised her eyebrows, and took something from her drawer, instead of reading his reports. 

"This letter was found at one of our hideouts entrance," The older woman explained while giving him a postcard with a picture of twilight in Berlington's sky, "I'm pretty sure, this was meant for you."

The agent frowned and took the postcard, flipped it and began reading. 

_ "I am going to do a very difficult job, and I am scared of regrets.  _

_ I love my husband. Very much. All of him.  _

_ Please allow me to love him in the only way I can.  _

_ Do not find me." _

Twilight eyes widened. To other people, the sentences must sound like blabbered nonsense of drunken tourists. But to him, every word pierced his heart with so much emotion he didn't know how to react. 

_ Was it safe to hope? _

"This was found the same day as our mission at the peace treaty summit. The mission that should be simple enough, that I didn't feel the need to involve you…. " Sylvia started, and he focused his attention back to her.

"It turned out there was a terrorist threat at the summit. We did all that we could to prevent any casualties and we managed to prevent the bombing, but in all the chaos, it looked like there was a third party involved. Several specific people end up deceased. Among the reports, it was stated that one of our agents managed to shoot one of the third party members down. We didn't manage to recover any dead bodies, but…. at worst case scenario……." She trailed off.

The blond man held his breath. 

_ No, it couldn't be…… _ .

"I read the letter, Twilight. You know….. out of procedures…..," She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye, "I'm sorry."

.

Twilight walked aimlessly at the side road of Berlington. He still gripped the postcard in his hand. 

Again….. how can he not see the clue? 

She must have had purposely let herself be found, when she was planning her jobs. A difficult job with a slim chance of surviving. Like infiltrating a summit with constrict security. 

She had created that window of opportunity so that he could come and talk to her. If only he was manly enough to stand in front of her sooner.

_ "Just let me go…… _ "

Was it a goodbye?

She anticipated the worst possible outcome, giving him the letter, and then a shot happened. And then she was missing. 

_ It was a goodbye, wasn't it? _

He should've put the two and two together sooner. He should've taken her with him. By force if necessary. To keep her safe. 

But he did not take the choice. And all that left was regrets. 

Knowing Yor Briar really has thrown him off balance. 

.

When he came to his senses, he found himself at the park. His feet were moving by itself, taking him to the railing where they met for the last time. The sky was beautifully colored red orange in the summer sky. 

The blond man chuckled. 

Twilight sky. 

Just like the picture in his hand. 

He looked down and absentmindedly took the single stem of Briar rose lying in the railing.

The colors were a beautiful mixed of soft red and orange.

He smiled sadly. 

_ How ironic _ .

If only he and the only Briar that matters to him could become one like the color of the rose-....

_ Wait a minute _ .

The rose was freshly plucked. 

All of a sudden, just for a brief second, the Westalis agent felt that he was being watched. But when he looked around him, he found no one, and the feeling was gone. 

He felt the corner of his lips tugging upward. 

_ She was alive _ .

The cog wheel in his head started to turn. How can he forget that in many times she had shown him, she could be very cryptic.

The man reread the letter again.

I am afraid of regrets….  _ of not trying.  _

I love my husband….. All of him……  _ agent from enemy country and all the risks he might bring  _

That was her answering his question

Please let me love him in the only way I can…..  _ from afar _

Of course. 

Do not find me….. _ For now _ . 

Because being close to each other could endanger both of them. 

Twilight choked down a sob. The blooming hope in his chest hurts, but at the same time it felt as if he was alive again. 

That means she would wait for him until the right time. He could meet her again. 

Which means the only thing stood between him and the love of his life was….. the war. 

Oh he would definitely pour all his power and might to end this war as soon as possible. And when the time has come, he would not hesitate to ask for her hand.

"Please wait for me, Yor. I'll make sure to get this done, and I'll let you see that you are my  _ raison d'etre _ ."

* * *

_ I'd climb every mountain, and swim every ocean _

_ Just to be with you, and fix what I've broken _

_ 'Cause I need you to see, that you are the reason _

("You are the reason", by Callum Scott)

**Author's Note:**

> Lucky that the next night, I heard another song that I like, and thus.... Twilight able to see a light at the end of the dark tunnel in this fic. I can't stand tragedy. :'(  
> I just want these two to be happy, and yet I write these?? Dang it hormones! 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading :)


End file.
